“Funny story, Hillary. Yesterday I found a secret stash in one of the White House cabinets that they said hadn’t been used since you and Bill lived there….

“I mean, this was some twisted stuff! I’m talking about a 1.75 liter bottle of creme de menthe, an old VHS set of the entire “Yogi Bear” cartoon series, an ‘I’M WITH STUPID’ t-shirt, a case of Hostess Twinkies…”

“That’s SO embarrassing, Michelle! I thought we got rid of all that crap. Can you just toss it out? Except send the Twinkies to me. At my office, of course.”

“Sure thing, Hillary. Listen, you know that really nice scented White House soap? Do they like make us  finish it before we get a new bar?

“Are you kidding, Michelle? You can just keep hiding it in a drawer, and they’re replace it, up to three bars a day! And don’t even ask me how many White House towels we’ve got!”

“No way! You’re a BAD girl! I still can’t believe we get to use all the ketchup we want and they don’t even bill us! You can’t beat that with a stick!”

“Say Michelle, does that green light mean the microphone is off, or on?”

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Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (L) and first lady Michelle Obama share a laugh during their participation in the 2010 International Women of Courage Awards at the State Department in Washington, March 10, 2010.

REUTERS photos by Jason Reed

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I should warn you, I’m kind of emotional today. See, I’m adopted, and I just got a report from a private detective who has tracked down my biological parents after all these years. You can imagine my feelings as I read it.

Hmmm. It says BOTH of my parents were models, which might explain my interest in fashion.

Mom was a runway model for designer Eugene “Toilethead” Johnson, and she “looked graceful in all kinds of plumbing supplies,” whatever that means.

Dad, it seems, “had a stylish flair, exuding a charm that had women swarming around him like roaches on a dead rat.” Wow, this detective has a way with words.

Oh no! Tragically, a month after I was born, Dad was caught smuggling a stolen sapphire bracelet through customs, in his mouth. What was he thinking?

He went to prison, and Mom, broken-hearted, gave me away. She went off to work in Eugene’s metal shop, making uncomfortable but trendy aluminum and copper clothing.

Now for the really tough part. The detective has included a photo of each of them. Trembling, I open the envelope to confront my gene pool for the first time. Well, at least they’ll be glamorous.

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Top left: A model presents a creation from the Katy Eary for MAN 2010 Autumn/Winter collection during London Fashion Week, February 24, 2010. REUTERS/Suzanne Plunkett

Top right: A model presents a creation by French designer Jean-Paul Gaultier as part of his Haute Couture Spring Summer 2010 fashion show in Paris, January 27, 2010. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

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Well, celebs, thanks to my background in damage control and image consulting, I can tell you it doesn’t matter a bit what you do in private, but when there is somebody around with a camera:

10. Don’t pick your nose in a tuxedo.

9. Don’t pick your nose on a tennis court.

8. Don’t pick your nose in an orange shirt.

7. Don’t make a barfing zombie face after a presidential campaign debate.

6. Don’t spew half-chewed hotdogs into your hands, and then try to eat them again.

5. Don’t meet the press with your zipper down. That means you, Brad Pitt.

4. Don’t make a childish gloating gesture the day your party takes office.

3. Don’t flip off anybody unless it’s really necessary.

2. This one is very important. Don’t go to second base with a woman, especially if you’re married to a former supermodel. And if you have to do it, don’t grin like it’s your very first time.

And lastly, as we saw just this week, if you’re a nominee in a top Oscar category the main thing to remember when there are photographers around is:

1. Don’t publicly grab one of your fellow nominees before the ceremony and slap her around, hold a chloroform-soaked rag over her horrified face and stuff her into the trunk of a waiting limousine. Sandra, Sandra, Sandra…

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Top: Sandra Bullock (L) and Helen Mirren arrive at the Academy Awards in Hollywood, March 7, 2010. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

Combo: Italian fashion designer Valentino in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Yves Herman

France’s Gilles Simon picks his nose during a match at the Australian Open tennis tournament, January 20, 2009. REUTERS/Petar Kujundzic

The Netherlands’ Crown Prince Willem-Alexander in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

Republican presidential nominee Senator John McCain in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Jim Bourg

Takeru Kobayashi of Japan attempts to eat regurgitated hot dogs during the 2007 Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in the Coney Island neighborhood of New York, July 4, 2007. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

Actor Brad Pitt poses for photographers during a photocall for the film “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” in Paris January 22, 2009. REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes

Incoming White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel gestures prior to the inauguration ceremony of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States, in Washington, January 20, 2009. REUTERS/Jim Young

Pop star Madonna in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Stephen Hird

Bottom, left: French yachtswoman Maud Fontenoy (R) poses with France’s president Nicolas Sarkozy after she was awarded Chevalier of the French order of Merit during a ceremony at the Elysee Palace in Paris, July 12, 2007. REUTERS/Jean-Paul Pelissier

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That’s too much information, honey. Here’s the perfect outfit for you.

Blog Guy! How’d you do that so fast!

See, in fashion there’s something called Women’s Ready-to-Wear. They have whole haute couture shows of it. It’s basically anything you can imagine, no matter how freakish.

Awesome! What if I was invited suddenly to ah, um, one of those Tomato Rabbit parties, which could happen.

Sure it could. As you can see, You’re covered.

Wow! And if I had to be in a horse race where the jockeys have the body of a human but the head of a grotesque insect? Or wait! Let’s say The Rapture comes, and I need something to wear!

No sweat.

Say, Blog Guy, then what the heck is the difference between designer fashion and a Halloween costume shop?

Price.

Ready-to-Wear slideshow

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Top left: A model presents a creation by German designer Karl Lagerfeld as part of his Fall/Winter 2010/11 women’s ready-to-wear fashion collection for French fashion house Chanel during Paris Fashion Week March 9, 2010. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

Other photos: Models present creations by French designer Jean-Charles de Castelbajac as part of his Fall/Winter 2010/11 women’s ready-to-wear fashion collection during Paris Fashion Week March 9, 2010. REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes

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Blog Guy, you mentioned recently that when Americans travel abroad, the main thing we’re concerned about is whether the toilets will be suitable for our needs. I suspect you’re right. I’m going overseas on a trip with my friends, but I’m a little concerned about how to spot the facilities.

I can help you. As you can see here, public Porta-Johns in other countries are often marked with a distinctive yellow POLISI, which I guess means GENTS.

Thanks, Blog Guy! See, that’s the kind of valuable travel information you just can’t get anywhere else. Um, the guy coming out of this toilet  seems to be heavily armed.

Yes, many countries have special police units guarding their Porta-Johns. In France, for instance, they’re called Johndarmes.

I had no idea! So if somebody tries to steal a roll of toilet paper?

They’ll call in a police SQUAT Team.

Wow! My friends will be SO impressed the first time we need a bathroom and I’m the only one who knows to march right up to the door of a POLISI and pull it open. Thanks, Blog Guy!

Bon Voyage, send me a postcard….

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Top: Anti-riot police block protesters outside the parliament building in Jakarta, March 2, 2010.

Bottom: A policeman shoots protesters using a paintball gun outside the parliament building in Jakarta, March 2, 2010.

REUTERS photos by Beawiharta

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Lamar, those fashion models are getting uppity. Oh, they’re so full of themselves, with their beauty and glamour, we need to take ‘em down a notch.

Gosh, how do we do that, Boss?

We lower their self-esteem.

Let’s put one of ‘em in lingerie and stiletto heels, send her out on the runway with a big bottle of vodka, and have her ad lib jokes until she’s flat on the floor. She won’t feel so high and mighty then!

Boss! That’s harsh! And what else?

Take some ugly backstage photos. You know, catch a girl puffing on a big old cigarette butt while some beefy tattooed guy messes with her hair. There’s no glamour there! And shoot some of ‘em in grubby bathrobes, smoking and hacking up against a dingy cinder block wall! Heh heh heh…

So, Lamar, it’s been three hours. How’s my plan workin’ out?

Well, I’m no expert, Boss, but you know the one with the stilettos and lingerie and vodka? She seems to have plenty of self-esteem left. Hell, I wish I had half that much….

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Top: A model holds a bottle of vodka as she displays a creation by K-Lynn Lingerie during a fashion show held in Faraya Mzaar ski resort, Mount Lebanon, March 6, 2010. REUTERS/Mohamed Azakir

Middle: A model smokes as she gets her hair done during the Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week Fall/Winter 2010 show in Madrid February 23, 2010. REUTERS/Susana Vera

 Bottom: A model smokes a cigarette outside the backstage of Elena Miro’ Fall/Winter 2010/11 women’s collection during Milan Fashion Week February 24, 2010. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Boy, I’ll say. Those publicists are very pushy.

So how do you handle the pressure?

Well, I’m basically a nice guy, so I try to help them out. For instance, an e-mail came my way trying to publicize Oscars celebrities wearing Sergio Rossi shoes.

It mentioned Penelope Cruz in black satin platforms, Michelle Pfeiffer in wine satin platforms, Rachel McAdams,  Elizabeth Banks, and so on….

I was in a supportive mood, so here are some shots of those women.

But Blog Guy, um, you can’t see shoes on any of them.

What with the long gowns this year, they may as well have been wearing Crocs, huh?

Say, I hope Sergio Rossi had something to do with those great rings Elizabeth Banks is showing off. Now THAT’S some good publicity!

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Top left: Penelope Cruz arrives at the Academy Awards in Hollywood, March 7, 2010. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

Top middle: Rachel McAdams arrives at the Awards. REUTERS/Brian Snyder

Top right: Presenter Michelle Pfeiffer take the stage during Awards. REUTERS/Gary Hershorn

Bottom right: Elizabeth Banks shows off her rings as she arrives at the Awards. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

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Blog Guy, check out this bizarre photo. What do you suppose is going on here?

Uh-oh. This looks bad. Really bad. Has anybody else seen this picture?

Um, probably millions of people. Why?

If I had to guess, I’d say this is a top-secret consumer group testing the new Apple iPads. These things are supposed to be in stores on April 3, but it looks like there may still be glitches.

Wait a minute, Blog Guy, I have to think an Apple product is gonna perform better than this, a month away from launch.

You’re right. You know what, I bet this is a consumer focus group trying to read the new Toyota Owner’s Manual!

That makes a lot more sense, Blog Guy. I’m sure that’s it. Those poor sad slobs, they never had a chance….

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Servicemen of the Belarussian Interior Ministry’s special unit demonstrate their skills during a show in Minsk, February 28, 2010. REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko

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Regular readers know that every year on the day of the Oscars I take advantage of the frothing public interest in awards by presenting my own Irony Award.

That way, a few confused people Googling words like AWARDS and WINNER will wind up here on my blog, by mistake. By the time they figure out how to leave, I’ve got several more pageviews!

This year’s golden statuette, The Ironic Colonic, goes to…the envelope, please…THE CHINESE ARMY, for opening a naval base to visitors and letting them pose with a pistol.

The open house was held to celebrate International Women’s Day. No, I don’t get the connection either, but the big-ass batch of irony shows up in this photo of a woman playing with a gun while wearing a shirt that says:

DON’T THINK AGAIN

RESPONSIBLE DECISIONS

By the way, close inspection shows that the semi-automatic pistol is on a lanyard tied to the table leg, so what’s the worst she could do?

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A visitor from China’s Guangdong province poses with a gun during an open day at a People’s Liberation Army naval base in Hong Kong, March 6, 2010. The open day was held to celebrate the upcoming International Women’s Day. REUTERS/Bobby Yip

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“Maggie, what the hell is going on? The fashion show has started, and those three models over there don’t even have their make-up! Let’s get going!”

“But Boss, I can’t do their make-up until their hair is done!”

“Their hair IS done, you silly twit!”

“But Boss, that can’t be! They’ve got all kinds of wires and toothpicks and parking tickets and dipsticks and golf tees and other crap sticking all out of their hair!”

“Right, that’s how the designer wants it…”

“Nuh-uh…”

“Uh-huh…”

“Nuh-uh…”

“Uh-huh…”

“Look Boss, let’s just look out there on the runway to see how the OTHER models look! Voila!  Uh-oh. So, girls, you ready for a little dab of make-up now?”

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Top: Models wait to have their make-up done backstage prior to the presentation of Portuguese designer Fatima Lopes Fall/Winter 2010/11 women’s ready-to-wear fashion collection during Paris Fashion Week, March 2, 2010.

Other photos: Models present creations by Lopes, March 2, 2010.

REUTERS photos by Gonzalo Fuentes

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