And if I had to be in a horse race where the jockeys have the body of a human but the head of a grotesque insect? Or wait! Let’s say The Rapture comes, and I need something to wear!

Yes, many countries have special police units guarding their Porta-Johns. In France, for instance, they’re called Johndarmes…

Let’s put one of ‘em in lingerie and stiletto heels, send her out on the runway with a big bottle of vodka, and have her ad lib jokes until she’s flat on the floor. She won’t feel so high and mighty then!

Yeah, well, what with the long gowns this year, they may as well have been wearing Crocs, huh?

Well, if I had to guess, I’d say this is the top-secret consumer group testing the new Apple iPads.

Regular readers know that every year on the day of the Oscars I take advantage of the frothing public interest in awards by presenting my own Irony Award.

“Maggie, what the hell is going on? The fashion show has started, and those three models over there don’t even have their make-up! Let’s get going!”

Can Jeff Bridges, the favorite, come off as homely enough to beat George Clooney, Colin Firth…. This is why all five nominees have been looking as hideous as possible since the Best Actor nominations were announced.

Hold on, Blog Guy. That dude is brushing his teeth in the spray from a WATER CANNON!

I probably shouldn’t say, but what the heck. Each of their supermodels now carries a cardboard photo of herself everywhere she goes as sort of, you know, a decoy.