Blog Guy, I’m in HUGE trouble! My school is putting on “H.M.S. Pinafore” this weekend, and I’m playing Bill Bobstay, the boatswain’s mate. Mom was supposed to make my costume but she got really hammered on mudslides and took a bunch of her pills, and….
That’s too much information, honey. Here’s the perfect outfit for you.
Blog Guy! How’d you do that so fast!
See, in fashion there’s something called Women’s Ready-to-Wear. They have whole haute couture shows of it. It’s basically anything you can imagine, no matter how freakish.
Awesome! What if I was invited suddenly to ah, um, one of those Tomato Rabbit parties, which could happen.
Sure it could. As you can see, You’re covered.
Wow! And if I had to be in a horse race where the jockeys have the body of a human but the head of a grotesque insect? Or wait! Let’s say The Rapture comes, and I need something to wear!
No sweat.
Say, Blog Guy, then what the heck is the difference between designer fashion and a Halloween costume shop?
Price.
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Top left: A model presents a creation by German designer Karl Lagerfeld as part of his Fall/Winter 2010/11 women’s ready-to-wear fashion collection for French fashion house Chanel during Paris Fashion Week March 9, 2010. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier
Other photos: Models present creations by French designer Jean-Charles de Castelbajac as part of his Fall/Winter 2010/11 women’s ready-to-wear fashion collection during Paris Fashion Week March 9, 2010. REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes
Blog Guy, you mentioned recently that when Americans travel abroad, the main thing we’re concerned about is whether the toilets will be suitable for our needs. I suspect you’re right. I’m going overseas on a trip with my friends, but I’m a little concerned about how to spot the facilities.
I can help you. As you can see here, public Porta-Johns in other countries are often marked with a distinctive yellow POLISI, which I guess means GENTS.
Thanks, Blog Guy! See, that’s the kind of valuable travel information you just can’t get anywhere else. Um, the guy coming out of this toilet seems to be heavily armed.
Yes, many countries have special police units guarding their Porta-Johns. In France, for instance, they’re called Johndarmes.
I had no idea! So if somebody tries to steal a roll of toilet paper?
They’ll call in a police SQUAT Team.
Wow! My friends will be SO impressed the first time we need a bathroom and I’m the only one who knows to march right up to the door of a POLISI and pull it open. Thanks, Blog Guy!
Bon Voyage, send me a postcard….
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Top: Anti-riot police block protesters outside the parliament building in Jakarta, March 2, 2010.
Bottom: A policeman shoots protesters using a paintball gun outside the parliament building in Jakarta, March 2, 2010.
REUTERS photos by Beawiharta
Lamar, those fashion models are getting uppity. Oh, they’re so full of themselves, with their beauty and glamour, we need to take ‘em down a notch.
Gosh, how do we do that, Boss?
We lower their self-esteem.
Let’s put one of ‘em in lingerie and stiletto heels, send her out on the runway with a big bottle of vodka, and have her ad lib jokes until she’s flat on the floor. She won’t feel so high and mighty then!
Boss! That’s harsh! And what else?
Take some ugly backstage photos. You know, catch a girl puffing on a big old cigarette butt while some beefy tattooed guy messes with her hair. There’s no glamour there! And shoot some of ‘em in grubby bathrobes, smoking and hacking up against a dingy cinder block wall! Heh heh heh…
So, Lamar, it’s been three hours. How’s my plan workin’ out?
Well, I’m no expert, Boss, but you know the one with the stilettos and lingerie and vodka? She seems to have plenty of self-esteem left. Hell, I wish I had half that much….
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Top: A model holds a bottle of vodka as she displays a creation by K-Lynn Lingerie during a fashion show held in Faraya Mzaar ski resort, Mount Lebanon, March 6, 2010. REUTERS/Mohamed Azakir
Middle: A model smokes as she gets her hair done during the Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week Fall/Winter 2010 show in Madrid February 23, 2010. REUTERS/Susana Vera
Bottom: A model smokes a cigarette outside the backstage of Elena Miro’ Fall/Winter 2010/11 women’s collection during Milan Fashion Week February 24, 2010. REUTERS/Max Rossi
Blog Guy, as a Hollywood media insider AND a fashion blogger, you must come under intense pressure to publicize all the glitzy designer creations worn by celebrities to the Oscars, right?
Boy, I’ll say. Those publicists are very pushy.
So how do you handle the pressure?
Well, I’m basically a nice guy, so I try to help them out. For instance, an e-mail came my way trying to publicize Oscars celebrities wearing Sergio Rossi shoes.
It mentioned Penelope Cruz in black satin platforms, Michelle Pfeiffer in wine satin platforms, Rachel McAdams, Elizabeth Banks, and so on….
I was in a supportive mood, so here are some shots of those women.
But Blog Guy, um, you can’t see shoes on any of them.
What with the long gowns this year, they may as well have been wearing Crocs, huh?
Say, I hope Sergio Rossi had something to do with those great rings Elizabeth Banks is showing off. Now THAT’S some good publicity!
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Top left: Penelope Cruz arrives at the Academy Awards in Hollywood, March 7, 2010. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson
Top middle: Rachel McAdams arrives at the Awards. REUTERS/Brian Snyder
Top right: Presenter Michelle Pfeiffer take the stage during Awards. REUTERS/Gary Hershorn
Bottom right: Elizabeth Banks shows off her rings as she arrives at the Awards. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson
Blog Guy, check out this bizarre photo. What do you suppose is going on here?
Uh-oh. This looks bad. Really bad. Has anybody else seen this picture?
Um, probably millions of people. Why?
If I had to guess, I’d say this is a top-secret consumer group testing the new Apple iPads. These things are supposed to be in stores on April 3, but it looks like there may still be glitches.
Wait a minute, Blog Guy, I have to think an Apple product is gonna perform better than this, a month away from launch.
You’re right. You know what, I bet this is a consumer focus group trying to read the new Toyota Owner’s Manual!
That makes a lot more sense, Blog Guy. I’m sure that’s it. Those poor sad slobs, they never had a chance….
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Servicemen of the Belarussian Interior Ministry’s special unit demonstrate their skills during a show in Minsk, February 28, 2010. REUTERS/Vasily Fedosenko
Well, it’s time again for the big prize.
Regular readers know that every year on the day of the Oscars I take advantage of the frothing public interest in awards by presenting my own Irony Award.
That way, a few confused people Googling words like AWARDS and WINNER will wind up here on my blog, by mistake. By the time they figure out how to leave, I’ve got several more pageviews!
This year’s golden statuette, The Ironic Colonic, goes to…the envelope, please…THE CHINESE ARMY, for opening a naval base to visitors and letting them pose with a pistol.
The open house was held to celebrate International Women’s Day. No, I don’t get the connection either, but the big-ass batch of irony shows up in this photo of a woman playing with a gun while wearing a shirt that says:
DON’T THINK AGAIN
RESPONSIBLE DECISIONS
By the way, close inspection shows that the semi-automatic pistol is on a lanyard tied to the table leg, so what’s the worst she could do?
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A visitor from China’s Guangdong province poses with a gun during an open day at a People’s Liberation Army naval base in Hong Kong, March 6, 2010. The open day was held to celebrate the upcoming International Women’s Day. REUTERS/Bobby Yip
“Maggie, what the hell is going on? The fashion show has started, and those three models over there don’t even have their make-up! Let’s get going!”
“But Boss, I can’t do their make-up until their hair is done!”
“Their hair IS done, you silly twit!”
“But Boss, that can’t be! They’ve got all kinds of wires and toothpicks and parking tickets and dipsticks and golf tees and other crap sticking all out of their hair!”
“Right, that’s how the designer wants it…”
“Nuh-uh…”
“Uh-huh…”
“Nuh-uh…”
“Uh-huh…”
“Look Boss, let’s just look out there on the runway to see how the OTHER models look! Voila! Uh-oh. So, girls, you ready for a little dab of make-up now?”
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Top: Models wait to have their make-up done backstage prior to the presentation of Portuguese designer Fatima Lopes Fall/Winter 2010/11 women’s ready-to-wear fashion collection during Paris Fashion Week, March 2, 2010.
Other photos: Models present creations by Lopes, March 2, 2010.
REUTERS photos by Gonzalo Fuentes
Blog Guy, as a Hollywood insider, who do you think will get Best Actor at the Oscars this weekend?
I don’t do predictions, but I can steer readers in a useful direction. For years, there has been a tradition that the actors with classic Hollywood good looks lose, and some goofy-looking guy wins.
Really? I had no idea!
Sure. Last year that scroungy Sean Penn won for “Milk,” beating out heartthrob Brad Pitt. A year earlier, Daniel Day-Lewis beat George Clooney and Johnny Depp, two of the sexiest men alive.
Before that, Forest Whitaker beat Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith, and a year before that, wait for it, Philip Seymour Hoffman beat Heath Ledger!
That’s an amazing perspective.
The big question this year is, can Jeff Bridges, the favorite, come off as homely enough to beat George Clooney, Colin Firth…. This is why all five nominees have been trying to look as grotesque as possible in public. Oscar depends on their ability to be totally repugnant.
I borrowed these photos from the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, and there are plenty more like them. Readers, get out your goof-detectors and decide!
Wow! So I guess that leaves us with the question of Best Actress.
Oh, that usually goes to the actress with the biggest, uh, smile, but odd behavior is a factor, too, and they’re well aware of it.
No kidding?
Don’t take my word for it. Here is a recent shot of two of the Best Actress nominees making out together. Now, don’t even get me started on how Best Picture always goes to the movie with the most vowels in the title….
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Goofy shots of Morgan Freeman, Jeremy Renner, Jeff Bridges, Colin Firth and George Clooney, REUTERS photos.
Actress Meryl Streep (L) and Sandra Bullock kiss after their tie win for best actress at the 15th Critics’ Choice Movie Awards at the Hollywood Palladium in Los Angeles, January 15, 2010. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni
Blog Guy, I want to teach my family to cut back on the water we use. Do you have any figures on how much water it takes to, say, have a shower.
Sure. A shower takes two gallons of water a minute, so you should make it a quick one.
And a bath?
That’s a huge 50 gallons. If you put bricks in your bathtub so it fills up faster that helps, but you may experience cuts and scratches.
I see. And what about brushing our teeth?
That’s a whopping 860 gallons of water, as you can see in this photo. But it’s worth it for good dental hygiene.
Hold on, Blog Guy. No wonder it uses that much water. That dude is brushing his teeth in the spray from a WATER CANNON.
Right. Dentists recommend it. The intense water pressure helps remove plaque, tartar, loose fillings and sometimes lips. If your gums don’t stop bleeding after three days, consult a physician.
Sigh. Okay, and how can we save water by using our toilet less?
Eat lots of bananas, cheese and rice to bind up your stomach for a few days, maybe a week. Also, avoid watching TV shows about fountains and waterfalls, and you can go days without using a toilet.
Blog Guy, I think you’re an idiot…
Oh, excuse me, the cops are chasing protesters down my street with a water cannon. Time to brush!
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Top: A student pretends to brush his teeth as police use water cannons to disperse protesters outside the parliament building in Jakarta, March 2, 2010, where the parliamentary inquiry committee’s recommendations over the Bank Century rescue is being held. REUTERS/Beawiharta
Right: A police riot vehicle uses a water cannon to break up demonstrators during a strike in Bogota, March 2, 2010. REUTERS/Fredy Builes
Blog Guy, I know you’ve done security consulting for some major companies. Are you working with anybody now, or is that confidential?
I’ve recently been working with the Victoria’s Secret folks. Their supermodels are often the targets of stalkers, creeps and pervs. You know, basically the guys I call my readers.
I’ll bet that is a big problem. So how are you protecting the models?
I probably shouldn’t say, but what the heck. Each of their supermodels now carries a cardboard photo of herself everywhere she goes, as a decoy.
See, check it out. Think fast! Which are the models, which are the cutouts! Confusing, huh?
Blog Guy, that’s just moronic. I’m gonna go ahead and guess the ones that are moving, and three-dimensional, and wearing something more than their underwear are the actual live models.
Okay, that was just a lucky guess.
Look, Blog Guy, instead of flat cardboard photos, why don’t you make the security decoys out of lifelike inflatable plastic?
Oh sure! And just WHERE am I supposed to find good-looking curvaceous inflatable women? The Internet?
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Top: Victoria’s Secret supermodels Alessandra Ambrosio (L) and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley pose for photographers during the Celebrate the Body by Victoria Collection news conference in New York, March 1, 2010. REUTERS/Shannon Stapleton
