Hey Blog Guy, you haven’t written much lately about the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop, which I know is your pride and joy. Got any new exhibits coming up?
As a matter of fact, yes. We’ve been in delicate and costly negotiations for weeks, to get a goofy-face shot of that British skier, Chemmy Alcott, ahead of the Winter Olympics. Here it is, for the first time ever!
Um, not to complain or anything, but that’s not a very goofy face.
Look, she’s a skier, not a weight-lifter or a tennis player. She’s doing her very best to look silly here, so cut her some slack. It took a two-day photo shoot just to come up with this one.
Blog Guy, you got screwed. Sports Illustrated has a cover shot of her without her wig or false teeth, and her eyes are bulging out and her tongue is stuck to the ski lift. It’s REALLY goofy!
Damn you, Chemmy, with your minty fresh toothpaste-commercial face! Come back here with my museum’s money! I KNEW you could do a whole lot better than this!
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Chemmy Alcott, Britain’s most successful female skier, trains at Canada Olympic Park in Calgary, Alberta February 7, 2010. Alcott was in Calgary training and resting for the upcoming 2010 Winter Olympics starting February 12 in Vancouver. RUTERS/Todd Korol
Below: Radek Stepanek REUTERS/Tim Wimborne Marion Bartoli REUTERS/Tim Wimborne Richard Gasquet REUTERS/Tim Wimborne Victoria Azarenka REUTERS/Tim Wimborne
Photos courtesy of the Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop
Blog Guy, I notice you provided full coverage of the Costa Rica elections over the weekend, but not the voting in Ukraine. How about some news from there?
Sure, okay. From looking quickly through our photo file, I guess people voted.
Is that one of those places where they put blue ink on your finger, to make sure you don’t vote twice?
No, it seems their system is, you take your shirt off when you vote, so you can’t vote twice. I believe it’s the voting system Hugh Hefner designed.
Hold on a minute, Blog Guy. That makes no sense. Couldn’t folks just put on another shirt and come vote AGAIN?
No, Mr. Smarty-Pants, check the photos. When you vote you also have to hold your ballot up over your head so everybody can see it.
Seems kind of a set-back for the secret ballot. How come in these photos, only women are voting?
Because I’m guessing the men mostly just stand around and watch the women vote.
As usual, Blog Guy, you lack any clue about what’s happening in an important global story. I won’t be back here.
Suit yourself, but then you’ll miss my hot Ukraine League of Women Voters photo slide show.
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Activists from Ukrainian female rights organization “Femen” stage a demonstration at a polling station during the presidential election in Kiev February 7, 2010. The demonstrators protested against what they say are breaches of democratic principles in the country. REUTERS/Stringer
Blog Guy, I have a photography question for you.
Well you know, we do have a very cool photography blog.
Yeah, but I really trust your hard-hitting, reliable information. So my question is, let’s say you had a bricked-up spot where an ATM used to be, and you wanted to get a photo of it.
I’m with you so far.
But just a photo of bricks would be boring, so would it be better to shoot it through a car window?
One window? Nah, I’d shoot it through BOTH windows as the car goes past.
Wow! That’s why you’re the Blog Guy!
Even better, you could shoot the bricked-up machine through a car with a passenger, so you’d have the two windows, a face AND the bricks!
FANTASTIC! And that would be ONE HELL OF A GREAT SHOT, RIGHT?
Uh, no, apparently not. I guess maybe I’d have some sizzling hot Victoria’s Secret models, busting out of trashy lingerie, posing by the bricks. Yeah, that might do it…
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A passenger being driven in a taxi passes a bricked-up ATM slot in the City of London February 4, 2010. Britain’s Bank of England put a hold on its unprecedented 200 billion pound asset-buying program for the first time in 11 months on Thursday, but left the door open for more so-called quantitative easing if the economy relapsed. REUTERS/Toby Melville
What a frickin’ crap-fest of a day day this is!
Here I am, sittin’ outside under the bananas, peeling green beans! I hope my friends don’t see me. Could it get any worse?
Say, who are those goofballs coming up the street?
Hah, looks like they’re supporters of some presidential candidate, and they’re puttin’ bumper stickers on everybody’s car.
At least I’m safe, I don’t even drive. Hey, what the….!
Well, now here I am, sittin’ outside under the bananas, peeling green beans WITH A BUMPER STICKER ON MY FACE! I hope my friends don’t see me. Could it get any worse?
Say, who’s that goofball coming up the street now? Looks like a photographer…
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Luis Roberto Ivancovich, 70, with a sticker of presidential candidate Otto Guevara of the opposition party Libertarian Movement, peels green beans at the Central Market in Cartado, Costa Rica, February 4, 2010. REUTERS/Juan Carlos Ulate
Welcome back to another installment of our regular feature, “Stuff Maybe we Should have Explained in the Caption, but Didn’t.” We are told these officers are holding targets during a demonstration to demand “more resources to combat violence…”
Resources? What kind of resources?
Better training? It looks like not a single one of them seems to be able to hit a target. I say fire ‘em all and hire cops who can hit something!
Do they need bullets? Is this some kind of a Barney Fife force, where nobody is allowed to load their weapon?
WAIT! Maybe they’re pissed-off because their targets are made of a new space-age polymer, so their bullets just glance off and they can never qualify as marksmen?
Oh, I’m sorry. I’ve just been informed they are holding photos of their new uniforms, and they fear a trigger-happy citizenry. Fine, why didn’t we just say that in the first place?
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Police officers display target sheets during a demonstration outside the Belgian Justice Palace in Brussels February 3, 2010. Several hundred policemen are demanding better working conditions and more resources to combat violence in Brussels. REUTERS/Yves Herman
I am not making this up.
“Mr. Basler,” an actual reader writes in, “On behalf of all the Lonnies in the world…could you use another name? I really enjoy your work but it pains me to see my name attributed to people of deficit intelligence.”
The e-mail is signed, of course, “Lonnie.”
Could this reader be right? Is there a chance that totally unaware, I’ve been picking on the proud Lonnies of the world?
I did a keyword search, and it appears I’ve randomly given the name Lonnie to some 644 people in my blog in the past couple of years.
I wouldn’t agree with the reader that in each instance they were “people of deficit intelligence,” because that would be insensitive.
No, I’d just say most of them were too stupid to live.
Anyhow, lately I’ve been using the name Lamar much more often than Lonnie. I suppose I’ll be hearing from the Lamars out there as soon as one of them learns to use the Internet.
Cripes, what next? A nuisance lawsuit from Eugene “Toilethead” Johnson?
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Top: Actress Loni Anderson in a 2000 file photo. REUTERS/Rose Prouser
Bottom: Linesmen Lonnie Cameron (L) tries to break up a fight in a 2009 file photo. REUTERS/Todd Korol
Staff, I like to think of you as my friends, not just the little pissant scumbags I boss around…
I know you’re all wondering…slurp… about this team-building exercise…slurp…
Some of you have said morale is low in my department, though I can’t imagine…slurp…why. Shut the frick up, Lamar, I’ll tell you when to talk.
Anyway, I say to the Human Resources people, I know, I’ll take my whole staff out to watch me eat noodles!
Trust me, I’ll boost their morale…slurp… Oh, and I’m gonna need to sign out a butcher knife and a cleaver for an hour…slurp…
So here’s your chance to…slurp…express your feelings. Anybody isn’t totally happy here, now would be the time to raise your hands…
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A vendor eats noodles at her stall while selling chickens in Xiangfan, Hubei Province February 3, 2010. REUTERS/Stringer
I’ll tell you what, Earl, this ain’t good. When a tiger escapes from a zoo, somebody notices something like that!
I got it under control, Boss!
Under control? It’s Family Day here, a huge tiger is stalking the grounds looking for lunch, and it’s under control?
Calm down, Boss, I already shot it with my tranquilizer dart – look, it’s stickin’ right out of its back, so relax!
I can see. Earl, it looks pissed now and it’s coming our way. Exactly how much tranquilizer did you put in that dart?
Put in? You mean the darts don’t come ready to use? Crap! Where can I stick this rifle?
Oh I’ll TELL you where you can stick the rifle, Earl!
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One of the two adult tigers, with a tranquilizer dart on its body, walks inside the Assam State Zoological cum Botanical Garden in Guwahati January 30, 2010. Two adult tigers on Saturday escaped from an enclosure at the Assam Zoo triggering panic among nearly 10,000 visitors, zoo officials said. Both the tigers were later tranquilized and taken to their cages, the officials added. REUTERS/Utpal Baruah
Blog Guy, I need your opinion on a pop culture phenomenon.
Have you seen this video on YouTube showing a guy in a financial office looking at racy photos on his computer, not knowing he’s live on television? It’s been seen by thousands of people now, and has a five-star rating…
Yeah, big deal. You can barely see that poor itty-bitty dude back there behind this talking head.
If you really squint it does look like he may be checking out a Victoria’s Secret model who might be nude, but I mean, who hasn’t been there?
And yeah, he does turn around briefly at the end and sees that he’s on TV, and that’s kind of funny, but …. OH MY GOD!
What is it, Blog Guy?
That’s my PERSONAL BROKER! LAMAR, what are you doing? You weren’t supposed to take your eyes off my retirement account yesterday!
You’re losing my life savings! And hey, you’re wearing my Rolex watch I lost last month.
OMG that’s my sister in that photo! Lamar, your ass is mine!
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Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr walks the runway at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Carlos Barria
Lonnie, we’ve been very happy with your progress here at the toy company, but we’d like you to go that extra mile for us, to show you’re a team player…
Sure Boss, you just tell me what to do! I’m there for ya!
That’s the spirit! Now, we’ve developed a new model helicopter guided by remote control, and we want you to take some publicity footage just to show how perfectly safe it is. You know, let those razor-sharp rotor blades get right up to your face.
Oh. Boss, is that the thing those guys have been working on over in Lab 13?
What guys?
You know, Eugene “Burger Face” Johnson, and One-Eyed Roy, Fang-Tooth Crenshaw, Lipless Wilson….
Uh, I’m not sure. It could be. So the cameraman is here Lonnie, if you could just pucker up…
ACTION! Good, good, great! Keep shooting, this is just….
EWWWWW! CUT! STOP! OH, THE HUMANITY! MY GOD! Say boys, you think we can get this one repainted in time for the toy fair?
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Designer Alexander van de Rostyne kisses his new and first 4-channel indoor toy helicopter from the company Silverlit during the press preview of the 61th International Toy Fair in Nuremberg, February 3, 2010. REUTERS/Michaela Rehle
